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8/4/2007 FOOTBALL!!!Life, quite frankly, has been gay for the last 3 months.
A typical day involves waking up, going to work, going home and going to bed. This wouldn’t be soooo bad if only there was football to dream of during the day.
I’ve had smeg all time to do anything. Well, I’ve done a few things, obviously. Just the basics like eat, have the odd drink, smoke, watch F1 and do the occasional love wee….
But, as from tomorrow, life starts all over again! I’m WELL excited!! Liverpool have a great chance of at least closing the gap on the Mancs scum this season. And if (fingers crossed) Man Utd suffer a few fatal injuries during the season, we might even finish ahead of them.
Then there’s the Dream Team to keep me going. I’ve still not picked my team but when I finally decide on my 11 players, I fully expect to be victorious and win lots of money.
Aaaannnnndddd…. I’ve met a laaaayyydeeee. She’s fab. And THAT is the best thing of all.
I can’t believe all the messages you guys have left me! I didn’t think I’d be missed at all! Got to go now as I’m welling-up……<<<sniff>>
Stewie Quote
For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
6/24/2007 Knock knock......<door edges open and a nose pops around> Anyone there….?
<Wanders off again, singing> “ella ella eh eh eh”……
Stewie Quote
Can I...Can I touch your hair? I'm gonna do it...I'm gonna touch it. Ooohoohoo it's like a sheep. 4/28/2007 Different Kettle of FishWorked late on Thursday and thought I deserved a beer so popped into my snooker club for a couple of relaxing Guinnesses (medicinal purposes only – honest!) and some “me” time. Unfortunately, an old acquaintance called Kam decided to make that “we” time. He’s a nice lad, really. Genuine and honest. A bit too honest, sadly….
The conversation went something like this:
Kam: I just can’t seem to find a girl.
Me: You’ll never find anyone here, mate.
Kam: I’ve got no-one to go out with.
Me: Hmmm…
Kam: <touches my leg> I just get by by masturbating, really.
Me: Ohhh dear………
Kam: All I want is a caring honest woman. I like big women.
Me: Move to the States, mate.
Kam: Big women are more caring and sharing than thin women.
Me: Sharing? Not when it comes to food they’re not.
Kam: My last girlfriend was 23 stone.
Me: What happened to her? Harpooned?
Kam: I didn’t like her parents. They thought I was odd.
Me: It’s a mystery, isn’t it?
Thankfully – and somewhat surprisingly – Classy Bird called me and invited me around for dinner and drinks! Couldn’t believe it! My new pet name for her is KitKat because she likes four fingers…
Stayed the night and went to work Friday morning in a right sorry state…
Can’t wait for Tuesday when Liverpool take on Chelsea at Anfield. We CAN do it!! Very best of luck to Milan too!
Oh, and I’m currently enjoying being an Everton fan! 2-0 up against The Scum!! Quality!!! Damn…make that 2-1…boooooooo….
Stewie Quote
Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
4/22/2007 UnbearableCheats are everywhere. I sat down to watch the London marathon this morning and there are a load of people on go-karts. What’s that all about…?
I’ve been working very hard this week. My boss sat me down on Monday morning and we had a right-old argument about expectations and working procedures. He was prepared and I wasn’t – so I said a few things in the heat of the moment that I probably shouldn’t have done. But, that’s me – I come out fighting when my back’s up against the wall. The rest of the week seemed to be fine; I hope we both benefited from our “chat”.
Love life is non-existent. Classy Bird keeps texting and calling me but then nothing happens! What the smeg’s going on? And there is someone else too, but God only knows what’s happening with her. One minute she’s all over me, the next minute she’s colder than an Eskimo’s bogey. I saw Little Dave yesterday and once again asked him if he’d consider a Civil Partnership! He didn’t say “no”….!
Well done to Middlesbrough yesterday! Great result against the Mancs bastards! All being well that’s handed the title to Chelsea.
And it’s the Champions League semi-finals next week. I’ve got to invoke a lucky routine for the game against Chelsea otherwise we’ll lose. My mate Scouse Phil pointed something out to me on Friday – what if Liverpool lose to Man Utd in the final? OH MY GOD…..
COME ON MILAN!!!!
Stewie Quote
What’s this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G… oh, that’s better than sex!
4/14/2007 Oh well...Guess last Thursday was just a one-nighter after all…haven’t seen her since but she has called me a few times with lame excuses. I was genuinely looking forward to a more civilised(!!!) second rendezvous but - God hates me and doesn’t want my life to be simple and pleasant. Thanks, God, you fat bearded virgin-shagging muppet.
In my quest to spot celebrity look-alikes on my bus (there’s been Chunk off The Goonies, so far), a new contender boarded this week. Absolute spitting image of Arnold Drummond off Diff’rent Strokes! Big hair and everything!
Oh – great. Freak Gobshite that clings to my sister like a bad rash has just turned up. I hate him. Never has any money, “borrows” fags and beer and suffers from clinical “black cat” syndrome. If you’ve got a black cat, his cat is blacker. If you’ve been for a ride in a Porsche, he’s done 240mph in a McLaren Mercedes. If you’ve just flown to Spain on easyJet, he’s been on the Space Shuttle. Get the picture??
Freak Gobshite has just climbed the massive tree in our garden and is sawing away at the top branches like a madman. I think he used to be a tree surgeon in a previous life (probably the world’s best tree surgeon) so naturally, he’s an expert. Come on – just one little slip…I ain’t gonna call for an ambulance…come on, tree….fight back….
And I had to laugh yesterday…scientists have identified a gene that influences our weight – i.e. if you’ve got this active gene, you’re more prone to being fat. Oh, that’s alright, then. Blame the copious amounts of doughnuts, chocolate and burgers you eat on genetics. That’ll make me like you more….
Good luck to Watford today! Bury the Mancs scum, lads!!
I WANT TO BE 5 YEARS OLD AGAIN!!! MY NEPHEW HAS JUST BEEN BOUGHT A LEGO “STAR WARS” STAR DESTROYER!!! LUCKY LITTLE GIT!!!!!!
Stewie Quote
My, my, what a thumping good read. Lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours…I say, you won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh.
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